Good Grief Charlie Brown!

Wow. So don't you love it when your biggest insecurities are confirmed? Where superficially you feel fairly confident about something, but deep down you question it? Especially when said insecurities are said confirmed by people who know what they are talking about? Yeah. Didn't get accepted into the Illustration program. The last time I applied for something where I wasn't 100% sure I'd make it in was BYU. I realize that my portfolio wasn't very good. And in a way I am looking forward to this summer where I can greatly improve it. But what if when I put forth my full effort I still don't get accepted? What then? I'm not surprised I wasn't accepted, but that still doesn't mean I wasn't really disappointed. I guess one of the reasons I don't try as well as I could at things is at least then I have a reason why I didn't make it--"well, I WOULD'VE gotten accepted or gotten a good grade or whatever if I tried my best!"--it's when you do try your best and it still doesn't work that the pain is the most acute. There are no excuses then. So at least academically and sometimes spiritually and okay just life in general it would NOT be accurate to say Itrysohard. I've been living a fallacy. Good times. I just get burnt out so easily. Or if I do really well in something I get uncomfortable with it so I sabotage it. Weird, huh. Welcome to the screwed up inner workings of Kari. Here's what was the most frustrating for me yesterday. I didn't want to go to church. I'll be honest. Being around prettier more grateful friendlier smarter less socially awkward and better dressed peers for some reason just DOESN'T contribute to my spirituality for some reason. I used to think growing up that I didn't compare myself to other people, and that it was ridiculous to do that, but it grows difficult when everyone does it to you. I know it's all in my head. That everyone is just trying to do the best they can, that I sometimes make it difficult (on purpose!) for people to want to approach me or get to know me. I know it's hard at first to connect with me. I'm an acquired taste. I get it. I love the friends I have I love the family I have, and I know they feel the same way for me. Anyway, I digress. I literally pushed myself out the door and walked to church, still fighting myself inside on whether or not I'd go to sunday school or relief society. Fast and Testimony meeting was actually really good. People testified! I wrote a letter to my friend Jessica serving a mission because even though I could feel that my heart was a bit hardened toward everyone (especially the dork sitting next to me that insisted on N*Sync-ing all the hymns--especially the sacrament hymn--COME ON! He was the same dude that when he bore his testimony a few months earlier all he could say was how "freaking" amazing Christ was and his atonement. Wow.) I was too drained and tired to try to soften it. Does that ever happen to you? Somedays you just can't do it. Which just makes you feel even more guilty and resentful towards yourself. Anyway, it gets super crowded after church because there are about three wards fighting to go up and down the stairs. I look over and see artwork on display (because my ward just HAS to meet in the HFAC) and I knew it would just upset me if I went over to look, but crowds make me REALLY uncomfortable and claustrophobic--especially since I'm not assertive enough to push my way through, so I just stand there fuming and red-flashing and aching inside wondering why people won't move the crap out of the way when they can clearly see you trying to get through. ANYWAY, against my better judgment, I walked over and looked. Now here's the thing about artwork at BYU. A lot of it I have little respect for. A lot of the times I find myself judging it on a scale from if I could easily do it or if I couldn't. If I can't do it then I really respect it. If I could easily do it then it just makes me angry that people putting out that kind of work got in and I didn't. I remember freshman year when I had initially decided not to apply for the program (just felt prompted not to at the time) and a girl in the ward HAD been accepted. I looked at some of the drawings she did and got upset inside because I knew I was a better drawer. Isn't that horrible? Art does NOTHING for my charity. And I would go to the MOA and look around back then too and ache because that's what i really wanted to do and to be ABLE to do someday. It was a bit better this time around. But anyway, back to the HFAC. Some of it was amazing and I really liked and admired it. Most abstract art for me though ellicits nothing but eyerolls and copouts. Or that the abstract paintings belong in a hotel or dentist/doctor's office. Am I right? The colors are beautiful, they do evoke emotions and provoke thought, but honestly... yeah. I've said my peace. So when I see an artist's final work on display like that and it still a bit questionable talent-wise, I get REALLY REALLY frustrated. So, in case you were wondering, I ended up leaving right then and there with tears stinging and then talking to my sister on the phone for an hour.

But hey, there's always next year.