some random thoughts and happenings

I love Shawn
I also love chocolate
My mom dumped my stuff out of my hope chest and is going to use it as a linen container thing not too happy about that
I love art but I'm not sure if I love it enough
My family has a new home number. I really don't like that. I've had the same one since I've moved here. I remember in kindergarten once when my mom wrote it on my hand to help me memorize it. It's a part of who I am; my identity. I feel so lost now.
I can't wait for school to end
I can't wait to see Shawn tonight
I can't wait for General Conference
I can't stop listening to the song "I'll Will Follow You Into the Dark"
It's a real problem
I should be doing homework right now
Actually technically I should be doing WORK right now, but we all know how that goes for me.
I can't wait for new Office episodes in the coming weeks
I'm beginning to accept the fact that I will always suffer from chronic back pain
and suffering it is
I'm always willing to risk worsening it though for a delicious game of soccer
sick huh
I'm sick of being pasty. I'm really going to try to get a tan this summer. Very un-Kari-like I know, but it's time for a change.
Sometimes I get resentful when I actually have to WORK at work. Isn't that awful?
Okay, enough doddling. If I really want to go to the jazz class thing with Shawn, I'd better get started on work.
I hope I get to go home at least for a tiny bit this summer. I want to see this new house of mine.
I've got really awesome friends and family. I'm way too blessed. It's ridiculous.
I sleep now.
Well homework, actually, but I couldn't quote a movie with that.
I want to see the new Will Ferrell movie. It got three stars! I'm impressed.
Shoot there was something else.

Unless you WANT cleavage...

Here's the cleavage shot I was referring to from a couple of blogs ago. As you can see, we managed a cleavage-free photo op. Sorry to disappoint. I'll spare you all the other photos that include the other two bridesmaids. Too mortified. I got an E-mail from her a couple of days ago. Apparently she's recently become extremely addicted to scrapbooking and chided me for not getting her hooked on it sooner. I tried to tell her!
Saw Hamlet last night. That was pretty darn good! And Mitch can do a wicked cockney accent. Shawn certainly likes to try. And he likes to mimic me when I talk and yawn at the same time. Really bad habit of mine. Still shocked every time when people can't understand me when I do it. Ridiculous, I know. The worst was last night when I TRIED to say "Mitch didn't even come out at the end so we couldn't clap for him." What it sounded like (and which Shawn steadily exaggerated even more with each impression) was "wo did didja djsdkdfhds dsfddn't clap for him."

Hysterical Blindness

I'm not sure if what I watched yesterday with Rachel was a good movie or not, but it was certainly thought-provoking. I guess it made me reflect on my own behavior. I'm really bad at picking battles, or even knowing if I do have a valid reason to get mad, upset or offended, which is a main reason why I usually don't confront people when I have issues with them. Sometimes this works and it goes away. Sometimes it festers. Sometimes I'll be extra nice the next time around someone is mean or thoughtless to me--not because I want them to treat me better (although that IS sometimes part of it) but mostly because I don't want to hurt them or to let them know that they hurt me. That I'm not petty and hold grudges. Dumb, huh. Doesn't really work. I guess I identified with Uma Thurman's character more than I'd prefer. Good times. Anyway, it was so sweet. Due to yesterday's blog, Rachel saw fit to RE-RENT a movie for me (Pieces of April) because she knew I wanted to see it so badly. Sometimes doing a hobby in front of a favorite movie IS the answer to all the world's problems. At least to some of mine. I got a lot done yesterday. Even exercised a bit. I did 15 pushups! And we're talking real ones. And we'll ignore the fact that I used to be able to do over twice that on my mission. Those were the days. Or were they? I won't mention how many sit ups I was able to muster. We'll just say the ratio was a lot more unbalanced. I vacuumed my room, completed three art projects for my class (I'm so behind, it's ridiculous) I wrote two letters; this morning I woke up early and did thirty minutes of scripture study, which always makes me feel better about myself (although never initially... that snooze button is my bestest friend and greatest enemy in the mornings). Anyway, this is Kari's impression of trying to get her ducks in a row. I'mtryingsohard. General Conference is this weekend. Excited, I am.

Good Grief Charlie Brown!

Wow. So don't you love it when your biggest insecurities are confirmed? Where superficially you feel fairly confident about something, but deep down you question it? Especially when said insecurities are said confirmed by people who know what they are talking about? Yeah. Didn't get accepted into the Illustration program. The last time I applied for something where I wasn't 100% sure I'd make it in was BYU. I realize that my portfolio wasn't very good. And in a way I am looking forward to this summer where I can greatly improve it. But what if when I put forth my full effort I still don't get accepted? What then? I'm not surprised I wasn't accepted, but that still doesn't mean I wasn't really disappointed. I guess one of the reasons I don't try as well as I could at things is at least then I have a reason why I didn't make it--"well, I WOULD'VE gotten accepted or gotten a good grade or whatever if I tried my best!"--it's when you do try your best and it still doesn't work that the pain is the most acute. There are no excuses then. So at least academically and sometimes spiritually and okay just life in general it would NOT be accurate to say Itrysohard. I've been living a fallacy. Good times. I just get burnt out so easily. Or if I do really well in something I get uncomfortable with it so I sabotage it. Weird, huh. Welcome to the screwed up inner workings of Kari. Here's what was the most frustrating for me yesterday. I didn't want to go to church. I'll be honest. Being around prettier more grateful friendlier smarter less socially awkward and better dressed peers for some reason just DOESN'T contribute to my spirituality for some reason. I used to think growing up that I didn't compare myself to other people, and that it was ridiculous to do that, but it grows difficult when everyone does it to you. I know it's all in my head. That everyone is just trying to do the best they can, that I sometimes make it difficult (on purpose!) for people to want to approach me or get to know me. I know it's hard at first to connect with me. I'm an acquired taste. I get it. I love the friends I have I love the family I have, and I know they feel the same way for me. Anyway, I digress. I literally pushed myself out the door and walked to church, still fighting myself inside on whether or not I'd go to sunday school or relief society. Fast and Testimony meeting was actually really good. People testified! I wrote a letter to my friend Jessica serving a mission because even though I could feel that my heart was a bit hardened toward everyone (especially the dork sitting next to me that insisted on N*Sync-ing all the hymns--especially the sacrament hymn--COME ON! He was the same dude that when he bore his testimony a few months earlier all he could say was how "freaking" amazing Christ was and his atonement. Wow.) I was too drained and tired to try to soften it. Does that ever happen to you? Somedays you just can't do it. Which just makes you feel even more guilty and resentful towards yourself. Anyway, it gets super crowded after church because there are about three wards fighting to go up and down the stairs. I look over and see artwork on display (because my ward just HAS to meet in the HFAC) and I knew it would just upset me if I went over to look, but crowds make me REALLY uncomfortable and claustrophobic--especially since I'm not assertive enough to push my way through, so I just stand there fuming and red-flashing and aching inside wondering why people won't move the crap out of the way when they can clearly see you trying to get through. ANYWAY, against my better judgment, I walked over and looked. Now here's the thing about artwork at BYU. A lot of it I have little respect for. A lot of the times I find myself judging it on a scale from if I could easily do it or if I couldn't. If I can't do it then I really respect it. If I could easily do it then it just makes me angry that people putting out that kind of work got in and I didn't. I remember freshman year when I had initially decided not to apply for the program (just felt prompted not to at the time) and a girl in the ward HAD been accepted. I looked at some of the drawings she did and got upset inside because I knew I was a better drawer. Isn't that horrible? Art does NOTHING for my charity. And I would go to the MOA and look around back then too and ache because that's what i really wanted to do and to be ABLE to do someday. It was a bit better this time around. But anyway, back to the HFAC. Some of it was amazing and I really liked and admired it. Most abstract art for me though ellicits nothing but eyerolls and copouts. Or that the abstract paintings belong in a hotel or dentist/doctor's office. Am I right? The colors are beautiful, they do evoke emotions and provoke thought, but honestly... yeah. I've said my peace. So when I see an artist's final work on display like that and it still a bit questionable talent-wise, I get REALLY REALLY frustrated. So, in case you were wondering, I ended up leaving right then and there with tears stinging and then talking to my sister on the phone for an hour.

But hey, there's always next year.

I know it's been hard.

Watched Parenthood with Rachel last night while I 'cleaned my room.' I love that movie. It's one of my favorite roles for Steve Martin. He reminds me a lot of my Dad. He tries so hard! But he doesn't lose his temper like Steve's character does. But MAN he worries! Bless his heart. And it doesn't help when the movie begins and ends with "Baby I love to see you smile," so between Randy Newman and Steve Martin, the two men that probably remind me the most of my Dad, it gets a bit hard to be away from home when watching a movie like that. Wow. That was a truly crap sentence, I apologize. But I hope you get the idea. And I had no idea that was Joaquin Phoenix until Rachel pointed it out. I stand all amazed. I think it's Keanu Reeves best role (in a semi-serious movie. He will always be best known and most convincing for his portrayal in Bill and Ted) as well. I'm tired. Trying to get stuff done while also trying to procrastinate. My room is almost all clean and organized. Excited, me.

once a bridesmaid...

So at the reception, we were taking a bunch of pictures, and the lady wanted one of me and Sian, where she's sitting down and I'm kind of crouched down behind her, with my head next to hers. I was a bit concerned about the positioning, since leaning down can sometimes... well... "Okay, I just don't want to show any cleavage" as I was struggling to find a good modest stance, and then opined, "Unless YOU WANT cleavage, then that's fine!" She wasn't amused. They just don't understand that kind of humor apparently in Wyoming. I wonder how many other people I put off or offended. After all, I DID insist on picking out MY OWN bridesmaid fabric, no matter what. At least that was the rumor going around...
Besides that the wedding was beautiful, and so was Sian. Congratulations!

because it goes up to eleven

I totally forgot one of the main things I wanted to include. I found out last week that my practically surrogate Dad from my mission-Chas Raine, suffered a heart attack, which was a bit too reminiscent of when my own Daddy had one on my first day on my mission. Sick. But like my Dad he just stayed in the hospital for like a day and came home with meds and orders to take it easy. Chas can't drive for a month, which sucks for him because he's a milk man (Isn't that so cute! And ensured milk for us missionaries always!). Sounds like he's doing okay though, considering.

And my sister said the sweetest thing! I was complaining about how I'm so miserable in group settings-I'm great until the numbers exceed four or five people, but then I get awkward, and my jokes always go flat. Itrysohard! Anyway, she seemed surprised and said how everyone just RAVED about me and adored me at James and Ally's wedding and how I have a standing invite now to all extended family activities--and these were people that I had never met before that night. I guess it pays to pretend like I had flipped off the bride by scratching my forehead with a certain finger for allegedly staring at me. I guess I can let my hair down a bit as long as my sister is there! Totally made me feel a lot better though. Totally. Even Joanne, who's my age and married and Jared's little sister, called up Stacey and commented on how fun I was or funny or whatever. Awww... Note to self: insults always work. How to win friends but alienate others.

I had the weirdest dream last night, and it's already fading but I'm going to try my best to remember as much of it as I can--it was SOOO vivid at the time!
I dreamed that I was planning a trip to my friend Jessie's (BFF FOREVER since the 7th grade and still in touch) and I was on campus, but there was like NO ONE ELSE THERE, and I realized campus had been taken over by like marshall law or some sort of evil terrorist group or something. Anyway, it was broad daylight and I had to try to hide. I first went to a bathroom, and Poncho was in there scrubbing away at the floor with a mop, but it kept getting muddier and dirtier.
Anyway I end up leaving, looking desperately for somewhere to hide, and I even considered the exact same place where Marmot hid four years ago when we were playing sardines on campus and we tried looking for him for about 45 minutes, and nearly just went home because we thought he had done the same. But it was really obvious in bright day light so I hid like under this ladder type thing, but someone saw me go in there, and followed me--a soldier guy, and he accused me of having a gun or something, and I didn't and demonstrated as much, and he surprisingly just left me alone.

I then found myself in this small but deep auditorium, and Poncho and Tyler (of Tyler Bell) were both there! I was sooo relieved and expressed as much and then they just both looked at each other and laughed at me for being so naive--they were part of the militant group as well! So they were chasing me around the auditorium, trying to capture me, when I found a way out, which led to this big open balcony type thing, where there were loads of other people. I was able to hide among them, and then I slipped away to the sea that just HAPPENED to be there, and me and a small handful of other people, that may or may not have included Janay or Amy, hid in small wooden gaps in a boat thing, and we sailed away. I couldn't get a hold of Jessie on my phone for some reason, and then we landed and went into this small gas station type store, looking around. Finally I met up with Jessie and it was great!

I may find out sooner than expected at whether or not I was accepted into the Illustration program or not. I received an E-mail today saying that those who applied for that program and a handful of others can come pick up our slides. Luckily I had also applied for another program as a back up that wasn't included in that first handful. Blech. It'll probably be another week or two. Can't.. hardly... wait... really. I'm not emotionally prepared to find out this early!

Only through the power of goodness

I've had a very dramatic past couple of weeks--some of the drama happening to me, or those very close to me. Where to start... (Yeah, I have homework to do, but alas... really don't feel like it!)

• I ran out of checks in my checkbook, and couldn't find the fillers ANYWHERE. And I really needed them for bills and tithing and such. And I looked EVERYWHERE. I calmed down and just silently prayed and it just popped in my head--check the jacket closet in the hallway--and I did and it was there!
• There was a power outage. I was having kind of a tough day--not really tough for any reason, but just feeling the weight of the world all the same. I got home, thinking that my roommate had resigned the electricity bill in her name, and found out by pitch blackness of my home (very indicative!) that Alan the TPM manager must not have gotten a hold of her. Good times. I was freaking cold that night, even with five blankets on top of me, and just bawled my eyes out. Haven't felt that much anguish or that out of control in such a long time. Probably not since my mission or freshman year. You can't move but you can't sit still... At least Shawn had brought me over matches so I could read by candle light to settle down and go to sleep. THAT was a rough night.
• The next day my Dad had E-mailed me--apparently he had sent me a package of lotions and stuff from a lady he knew from Port Alberni growing up. He asked me how I was and I had mentioned how things had been a bit rough for the past few days. About an hour later, he calls me up, and then later my SISTER calls me up and also tells me to talk to Mom. I ended up skipping Biology to talk to my sister, and we just talked for over an hour about everything--systematically going through all my problems and issues and worries and anxieties and at the end I felt so light and so much better. We're so similar in a lot of ways, and by the end of it, it was just a relief to know there are people out there with not necessarily the same problems but at least the same attitude as me. So yeah felt so much better about all the facets of my life. Thanks Shtashe!
• When I called my mom next (who also had recently sent me a package of clay and goodies! a week or two before) apparently my brother Gabe and my Dad are going to go on a roadtrip to Mount Rushmore for my Dad's work--weeklong and my brother is planning ALL of it out! I suggested to him (on Sunday) that he should do a detour on the way back through Utah (So Shawn and Rachel can meet my Gabe and my Dad and plus I like them both myself!) but he's like "um... I'll think about it" She was so tickled about it, as was I. I don't think my Dad's patience will last that long, as patient as he really is.
• My dad bought a guitar that's made from the parts of other guitars. He's SOOOOO excited about it. And he doesn't get excited about things. Kind of like Shawn in that regard.
• I've started writing letters again to people on my mission! I got big time chewed out by my last companion I served with for not doing better, so I've made a goal for a letter a day on average, and so far I've been doing really well! I think I'm only a letter behind for the past two weeks.
• I've also started to get up early to read scriptures, having struggled to find time during the day to do it for my New Testament class. It makes such a difference! I'm always on time or early for work now, which hasn't happened for a month or two. And that's not the only difference it makes! :)
• I've cracked down on that dress for Sian's wedding. Still urked that Shawn can't come *fist shakeage!* but on the bright side he won't see me look like a freaking gold tulip. Yeah, satin and gold just ISN'T my fabric or color to wear. I was explaining to my coworker today that I was a hardcore cotton-wearer--I don't like to wear silky or satiny things. Just feels weird. Kind of part of the reason why I LOVE getting my makeup and hair done, but I HATE dressing up in really fancy clothing. Can't I get married in cords and a sweater? Gosh! Maybe the dress will look better once I get the skirt done. I hope...
• I stayed home from work and one of three classes yesterday. And wrote Shawn a song. And watched loads of Jeeves and Wooster. I think we've reached a bit of a cropper here Jeeves! And did loads of laundry (haha mind the pun).
• I met Rachel's folks and brother! Man it made me miss Gabe. SOOO CUTE! And Rex gave me a hug at the end just like Gabe would--they're standing right in front of me and yet they still somehow manage to just do an awkward one handed side hug. I still don't know how they do it. Rachel is so much like her mom it was awesome! I love her mom--she gave me at least two proper mom hugs too which I truly appreciated. Been awhile since I've gotten a real proper tight hug. Also made me miss my mission. I was well-known for the great hugs I gave, if I say so myself :). And it turned out that her mom and my folks served in the same mission--she had me call up my folks right there and then and she talked to them both! How funny is that! Anyway, that's about it. It's a small world after all. Now try to get THAT song out of your head!

Shawniggins

Shawniggins
or: What’s the matter? Aren’t you... hungry?
by Kari A Pedersen

(First verse and chorus:)
Even though I’m crap
At writing a song
Here’s a go
For my boyfriend Shawn

He argues over pizza slices
and dilemmas of the omnivore
But draws a blank at politics
Preferring Harry Potter lore

He’s amazing, cute and lush
his very presence is a rush
I never fail to blush
Holy crap dang I have such a crush!

Repeat chorus

Why am I so awkward?
Although he is quite as well
He’s in a band called Tyler Bell
and the farmer’s in the dell

When will he cut his hair?
Oh wait, he already did
He’s nobody’s little weasel
But he’s great with little kids

He’s ticklish in the armpits
But not anywhere else
He likes to cook a crock pot roast
And in his arms I melt!

Repeat chorus but change
“Here’s a go” to “Here was a go”